My daughter, My Teacher

Friday November 15, 2024/14 Heshvan 5785

Parashat Vayera

Hevre/Friends,

Yesterday over coffee after a grueling exercise class, I got a loving but firm lecture from my daughter (when did those tables turn?). We were chatting about all the things that mothers and daughters chat about, when inevitably - or so it seems to her - I turned the subject to how perilous the state of the world and the future seem to be. 

She’s a 20-something, educated, savvy, artsy, fun-loving, proud Jew living in New York City with a great job at a big multinational corporation working with a team of diverse young professionals. Living the dream, as they used to say. But the world’s nightmares can be a rude interruption. With respect and love, she reminded me that not every conversation we have has to go to war, antisemitism, and politics. 

Don’t misunderstand. October 7 and the waves of consequences in Israel and around the world, as well as American politics, have captured her attention and concern as they have for most Jews and allies. And they will continue to. But unlike some, including me, who can find it difficult to concentrate on anything else, she is committed to balancing her worries about the future with the delights of today. She urged me to be more balanced, too, expressing her genuine hope that I was making enough room in my head and heart to take in all of life’s joys, big and small, and all the fabulous things we have going on - family vacations, weddings, and yes, sweaty mother-daughter fitness classes.

Had Sarah been given the same “lecture” by a girlfriend over cappuccinos at the local coffee tent back in her day, maybe this week’s Torah portion would have turned out a little differently. In spite of what we’ve all been taught, a close reading of the story reveals that the banishment of Ishmael (and Hagar) came not in response to some clear provocation, but from Sarah’s fear that in the future Ishmael would hurt his brother, her son Isaac. Even later on, when the angels ask God to let Ishmael die in the desert because they knew that in the future he and his descendants were going to cause Isaac and his people to suffer, as some of them have, God insisted on treating him as the innocent person he was at that time. 

God seems to both approve of removing Ishmael and at the same time remains present to him for whom he was in that moment. Not unlike those of us who want to neutralize the threat of our enemies while still respecting the rights and dreams of their tribe folk who lead with their humanity. Not unlike our Jewish mandate to refrain from judging someone - regardless of who their family or friends are - until they say or do something that warrants judgment. Another delicate balance this moment calls for.

When it was time for us each to head to work, I watched my daughter walk away full of poise, drive, plans and dreams. Every parent can identify with the instinct to protect our children - no matter their age - from life’s everyday dangers. (Yes, I watched her cross the street. Without her knowing, of course.) It’s a new feeling as a parent, for me at least, to consider how much I have to do to try and protect my children from tomorrow’s dangers peaking through the clouds of hatred, violence, misogyny, retribution and power (not to mention a withering climate) without any certainty that I will succeed. But my child-teacher reminded me that preparing for tomorrow also requires enjoying today. 

Smart girl. At least I could still kick her butt at the gym.

With ongoing prayers for the hostages and their families, the bereaved and the injured, and for a lasting peace in Israel, in the United States, and around the world, I wish you Shabbat Shalom.

Dini